ferris wheel

i just...

...don't want to hurt you.

I've always thought, with regards to everything,
that it was better for me to just hold back...
...restrain myself rather than risk the relationship falling apart;
that's how i've lived my whole life.

And in fact I thought I'd done pretty well for myself that way,
and I was satisfied with it.

But ever since I met you,
I haven't been able to bear it anymore.

... My family knows sides of me that you don't.

And I can't help wondering if maybe you would go away from me if you found out about them.
I think I might do anything to stop you.

I'm afraid.

I don't want to restrain you,
but at the same time I want to lock you away.

Hurting you is the one thing I never want to do.

But that's not the reality.

I'd rather we parted ways now,
than have you despise me and leave me behind one day.

My biggest fear is losing you.

Pure Romance

Junjou Romantica
i have one word:

goosebumps...

hihi.

fish

i am such a dreamer.
i am getting in touch with my star lately.
i should snap out of it.
but the truth is, i'm always is, such a dreamer.
so much a dreamer.

...and what am i doing?
dreaming of course.

random things

<:atomicelement id="ms__id60">last christmas we went to the grocery store on the 24th of december.last minute shopping for our noche buena. salary and 13th month pay were delayed... so there.

we brought andrei t

o mcdonalds. he's usually happy with french fries and pineaaple juice. hehe. christmas eve went good, by the way. we had a healthy meal. and a nice bonding.

christmas day. we packed our bags and

went to laguna to spend the rest of the day there. my mom's there. and also most of my relatives. we're supposed to go to leyte, renato's home province, but since we didn't had an opportunity to go(for some reasons) we went "namamasko po" in my province instead.

ah and this picture here is of andrei on the bus ride to laguna. medyo nahihilo sa byahe so behave sya all through out the journey. wehe.

we went to mass that sunday 28th of december. yup in nagcarlan, laguna. this is the facade of the church.

i asked hubby why he didn't took pictures of the altar and anything else from inside. sabi nya: alangan naman daw na nagmimisa si father eh mag picture sya dun and say, father! smile muna. (haha. that's him trying to be funny... )

we went to liliw too. we're suppose to buy slippers for me. but we end up buying a shirt for him. (which turned out to be too small, so we gave it to noel instead.) shoes for andrei. (which is a little too big, but he will grow into it). a wall clock and these wooden things where you put such things as ...well anything. and i didn't got a new pair of slippers...

oh, and this is a picture of the inside of liliw church. they have this "belen" there. as usual andrei is scared of big lifesize images.

well, this is me. bored and doing silly stuffs. nyah. why did i ever put this here.

this is andrei on new year's eve. hehe. when the firecrackkers begun he clungs to us like a ..what? a glue i think. as in, he won't let go. when we brought him outside to let him watch the colorful fireworks he hugged us more tightly while screaming: takot! takot! wahaha. hubby and i alternately held him while the other went out to watch the fireworks.

in the end, he just stayed there on the sofa. covering his ears and closing his eyes. wouldn't even move. i can't even pick him up because he's stuck there like a big heavy stone. hehe. he fell asleep on that sofa. and when i was to pick him up, he taught we're going out to watch the fireworks again and started crying... i have to tell him repeatedly that we're going to the bedroom and it's all over... wahaha.. wawa naman.

what is love?

love is the desire to be part of or one with something beautiful

-it’s from a friend’s entry on friendster when asked what is love.

well, what if you declared to love someone. but being a part of or being one with him/her is not something beautiful? would it still be called love?

what if being part of him/her is something like chaos and unending twist of bad luck? would it still be love?

what if you declared your love and it is not reciprocated? would you still desire to be a part of that somebody? if you do, would it still be called love? even if you know it would not be something beautiful?

LOVE is a decision for me. when you decide to love, you stick to it. when it changes from beautiful to ugly, you won’t just let go of love.

**************************************************
somehow, as i progressed in writing this journal, i became confused.

of what my real stand is. of what i really believe in.

am i really gonna stick with love? if it doesn’t stick with me?

Is love a tender thing? it is too rough,
Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.
-romeo

or is this the answer i wanted to believe? is this the advice i wanted to take?

If love be rough with you, be rough with love;
Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.
-mercutio

cellphone part II

i found my phone.

when i got home the other day, it was there.
andrei got it from somewhere. obviously he hid it somewhere too.

the thing is: the thing simply won't turn on!

cellphone

i have been looking for my cellphone the whole day.
well i am not really bothered that my phone is missing. i am not really into phone these days. (or make it months or years if you like). besides i can live without a phone really. nobody really text me. and i rarely text anybody anyway. just my mom, my dad, my youngest sister and occasionally my hubby. we don't have anything interesting to say to each other. except inquiries and how are you's. well, from time to time i text my auntie when i need my allowance and my thesis partner when we need to work on something.
oh, and someone else text me every once in a while. maybe every month or two i receive text messages from long lost friends updating their phone numbers or sending me quotes. i always replied with "how are you" when i have load. we would exchange greetings then after a few message, that's it. they would never text again for who knows how long. but when i don't have a load, well, their messages just fill my inbox.
now, why do i need my phone right now?
oh! because i have to go to my aunt's office tomorrow and i also have to meet my thesis partner tomorrow. now how would i know where we would meet..
where did andrei put my phone?!
anyway, i can always borrow natoy's phone... hehe

near-death experience

You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. All my reactions were geared toward those kinds of killers – the monsters, the enemies. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it? If it was someone you truly loved?

ahw...

"You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

-- Edward Cullen.

werewolf

What Do I Look Like?

The Wizard Of Oz?

You Need A Brain?

You Need A Heart?

Go Ahead. Take Mine.

Take Everything I Have.

What Kharlavictoria Means

You are a seeker of knowledge, and you have learned many things in your life.

You are also a keeper of knowledge - meaning you don't spill secrets or spread gossip.

People sometimes think you're snobby or aloof, but you're just too deep in thought to pay attention to them.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.

Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.

Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic “Type A” personality.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.

You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.

You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.

You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.

Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are very hyper. You never slow down, even when it's killing you.

You're the type of person who can be a workaholic during the day... and still have the energy to party all night.

Your energy is definitely a magnet for those around you. People are addicted to your vibe.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.

You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.

You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.

You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.

A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.

You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.

You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.

You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.

At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

rants… raving mad

what? i don’t know what to say or rather how to say this… i am not contented with my life. i don’t like where i am at right now. i feel so guilty admitting it. but i feel much worse not letting it out. i mean, i could have a better life than this if only i play my cards well. don’t get me wrong, i do not regret where i am. i think it’s rather different from being unsatisfied. i am sure i can get over with this feeling. i am glad i a am right here this time. for the simple reason that i would learn how to cope up and deal with this. i know now what i should have done and what i should do. it gives me a goal in life. a purpose. i am sure i can get over this situation. i will strive hard to get up. and somehow survive. it never is in my vocabulary to give up and surrender. but who ever said i don’t need a rest? i sometimes feel tired… well most of the time. i can rest. recharge. and to fight even harder when i came back. i just have to stop for air once in a while. i believe now is not the time for that. i still have alot of obligations and work to do. i really have to fix my life. how it is going. and what affects me. i have to have a definite gameplan. a systematic goal…

wow… i am starting to think of plans and goals at the moment. i never imagined i would come to this point in my life. my motto and belief before was, “come what may”… i believed i am so flexible i can overcome whatever comes my way. well, i am still like that for the most part. but being a mother brings about a lot of changes. specially about my priority. i can’t believe i can love my son so much to change how i look about life in general… but i love the feeling… i’m a woman afterall.

kokak

... isang araw....
malakas ang buhas ng ulan...
umaapaw ang kanal...
umaagos ang tubig na kulay putik...
habang tinatahak ko ang kasukalan ng UP...
may lumundag sa aking harapan...

....anung laking palaka!

napalundag ako sa sobrang gulat!
takot pa naman ako sa palaka...

ako'y natigilan, san nagtungo ang nilalang?
nang aking sinundan ng tingin ang kanyang tinungo...
sumambulat sa aking paningin ang napakarami niyang kaanak...
nagkokokakan lahat!
at wari mo'y nakatitig sa akin!

tumakbo ako ng matulin...
muntik pa ako maungab...
mabuti na lang malakas ang ulan, walang tao sa paligid...

ang palaka... bow!

Another Loss

"Death may be the greatest of all human blessing"
"The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our ways - I to die, and you to live. Which is better, God only knows"
- Socrates

march 06

maganda ang gising ko...

masaya naman dahil sa aking pagninilay eh madaming taon at mahabang panahon na pala ang napahiram sa akin ni God...


...yun lang

growing up

in my multiply account almost every picture i have is of andres. still pictures that i can forever look at and stare at.. it is as if i have captured his every growing moments and he is transforming before my very eyes.

Andrei the Genius

hehe....
he tried his tito's glasses...
he looks cute, di ba?
i wonder if he's going to wear real glasses when he's older. i hope not. he has such beautiful eyes. marami kaya mai-inlove sa kanya when he grows older? haha... i really am excited to watch him grow into a fine young man. but i also wanted him to stay a baby forever...

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

Have you broken your last New Year's Resolutions?
Well, here's a rather crazy list that you can keep.

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.


******************************

www.MountainWings.com "Wings Over The Mountains of Life"

death

what is it about death? was it the end? or the start of a new life? all i am sure about is everyone cries when somebody dies. and you never got to see that person again…

was it that bad? was it too painful? am i numb of the pain? is it alright to feel the loss and then move on so fast? was i suppose to grieve for a longer period of time?

i can not blame those who mourn for so long... but i can not also blame those who haven't shed a tear either. i never knew what goes on in their minds. much more in their hearts. everyone deals with the situation differently. and everyone seems to have their version of the story. i myself is confused and i don't know what to believe in. but the truth of the matter is, the dead will not come back... i just hope he had the best days of his life...

home...? to where?

yeah, she is… coming home, that is. it was a childish decision actually. or rather a very impulsive decision. she had a fight with dad. which of course didn’t turned out right. that’s why she decided to go home here in Luzon. She’s in Mindanao, you see. They have been living there for more than two years, because of complicated matters. but to make that complicated matters a little understandable, they were there supposedly to start a new life. Yes, restart their very shattered life. Yup, as their child i actually accepted the fact that they were doomed if they didn’t start to pick up the pieces of their life at that moment. it was a relief actually to see them off and board that plane going to Davao. I did said to myself: alas, new life! when i visited them the first time, they were doing ok. They were not living the life of kings and queens. not even a very well-to-do kind of living. they have a small sari-sari store during that time. they were doing good. they had petty quarrels as some couples usually do, but that’s it. oh, by this time i have actually accepted the fact that were still together because of companionship. love..? well, it was there, not evident though. but I’m not worried. as long as they got along together just fine. my dad was not a very good husband, you see. but my mom was not innocent either… during their not so good times as husband and wife i actually think, well i actually believe they would be better persons individually if they just live separately. but my dad’s relative insisted that they should not. they even “asked” my mom never to leave my dad. well, my dad was a very dependent man. he likes the feeling of being taken care of. i believe that he can live alone, but i firmly believe that he would make a mess of himself if he would. my mom, well, she is a fighter. i believe that she can, in fact compete in the world out there. with a little push and encouragement… and a little fashion tips… hehe. but i adore them both in their own special ways.

haha.. anyway, this latest events got me thinking really. what really happens? if it was that serious that my mom decided to leave for Luzon why did my dad decided to take her to the airport. and even suggested going with her in the first place? ah.. weird. maybe they just well, treat each other as companions and nothing more. i mean, come on, if they were in love there would be a lot of crying and cursing. and sobs, and the “i-don’t-know-what-to-do” moments, right? but there was none. my mom seem to be very excited of going home and actually have a lot of plans on where to go and what to do. although i am very worried of my very dependent dad. he seem very lost. because at the last minute he decided to stay behind and invest the money that was supposedly for the ticket. how would he eat? how can he manage the store? will he be able to pull it through? he should have gone home to… probably stay with my sister, if mom and dad really want to cool things off… but then, my little sister is still with him. am i worried about my sis? no, am not. she’s always been a fighter. she understands a lot of things i am not capable of understanding when i was her age. i moped around and turned to the wrong friends during those times. but my little sis, well, she has a way of handling herself. although she breaks down once in a while (which is normal, of course). i am still planning on taking her out of the responsibilities she already got. i still wish of giving her the best times of her life when i graduated from college and had a decent job. eventually, she will have to worry about nothing but herself. anyway, back to my dad… i am deep worried. but, we sisters just joked about the situation. the thing is, my mom can’t last a long time being away from my dad. she care a lot to let him alone for so long. unless, she is very determined on changing their way of life. for herself or the both of them. but if i can say what my mom lack, it is determination. and she really need peace of mind.

well, i am off to fetch my mom from the airport in a few hours. she is very excited to see andrei. and i am very excited to show off my son! let’s see what happens next…